I am a work in progress and every day is a new struggle. I go from thinking I know everything that I want and what I need to do to get it to being completely clueless and feeling helpless the next second. I will know when I’m trying your patience, and I will feel so terrible for it. But it’s just the way I am, and it’s the way that I figure things out. Changing the routine, changing what I want from moment to moment… it’s how I make life work for me. I am not a stagnant person and I don’t ever see me being one. I will know that this makes it difficult for you, and I will try to alleviate that strain from you as much as I can. But, I won’t always be successful. So, you will need to have the patience of a saint.
I am a ridiculously sensitive person. I try not to be and I’ve gotten much better over the years at growing a thicker skin. But, I cannot mask my emotions at all. I feel everything at once, and I cry often. It’s embarrassing, but my emotions have a direct route to my tear ducts. And I have no control over them. So, I will need you to be understanding.
I am a walking contradiction. Half hippie, and half hell raiser. And both of those things keep me on my toes. I will change my mind from moment to moment. Trust me, it aggravates me too. I want to help solve all of the problems in the world but also war with just saying “fuck it” and watching it all burn. Those two things battle within me quite daily and I’ll never really know how to put it into words. But, there will never be a dull moment with us. That I can promise. So, you will need to be adaptable.
I withdrawal sometimes into myself. I’ve always been very fond of my alone time. Sometimes it’ll be for a few hours and others it will be a few days. Just know that it’s never about you. It’s just how I reset. Sometimes just a little bit of time alone with a good book will do the trick. Other times I will pack up with just me and my dog and leave town for a weekend to hike and disconnect from everything else so I can reconnect with myself. This is something that I’ve always needed to do. So, you will need to be tolerant and bear with me.
I am a walking whirl wind of emotion and energy. And can sometimes be exhausting to be around. Some days it’ll feel like you don’t have a leg to stand on when it comes to dealing with me. To be honest, some days you won’t. There are times when I can’t even deal with myself. It takes a very long time for me to truly open up. I have walls up around my heart and my secrets that are larger than the great wall of china. They were not built in a day and they will not come down in a day. They were laid brick by brick and they will come down the same way. I have learned that if you open up about tiny stuff people will always assume that you aren’t hiding anything larger. I will need you to call me out on it when I’m hiding away. I will need you to persevere.
I once gave myself away to someone who made me feel like these qualities somehow made me “less than”. He convinced me that these flaws somehow made me incapable of receiving love and completely unworthy of it. It’s taken me a very long time to come back from that and to heal myself.
But, in that healing I realized that these attributes are not flaws. They’re just different variables that add up to equal “me”.
Because while I am trying, I am also kind.
While I am infuriating, I am also loving.
While I can be abrupt and blunt, I am also gentle.
I have a heart as big as the moon and a personality as big as the sky.
I laugh loud and I laugh often.
And, after warring with myself for years and people trying to convince me otherwise… I know I am worthy of a great love.
So, just know… I expect greatness. But I will give it in return.